Hey friend, hi!
Can we have a real conversation for a minute?
I came across something this week that really made me think.
A simple, yet powerful, list of 7 behaviors that instantly lower your authority, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.
Because here's what got me:
It's never about capability.
Never about intelligence.
Never about how hard someone works or how much they've sacrificed to get where they are.
It's about the small, quiet, barely-noticeable things we do every single day that slowly chip away at how we're heard, how we're seen, and how we show up, at work, at home, in our relationships, and with ourselves.
And most of us learned these behaviors for a really good reason.
We got burned.
We spoke up, and it went sideways.
We asked for what we needed, and it felt like conflict.
We took up space, and someone made us feel like we were too much (this one hits home for me)
So we adapted. We got smaller. We got safer.
And now it's just habit.
Real talk: these aren't character flaws. They're armor. And they're costing you your voice in every room you walk into.
Here are the 7
Be honest with yourself as you read them.
1. Ever catch yourself saying "I just think..." before sharing your opinion?
At work, before an idea.
At home before a hard conversation.
In a group text, before you say what you actually mean.
That one little word โ just โ quietly shrinks everything that comes after it before anyone even hears it.
You don't just think anything. You think it. Own it.
2. Ever notice you're doing ALL the invisible labor and saying nothing about it?
Taking the notes.
Organizing the team lunch.
Remembering every appointment, every deadline, every detail nobody else tracked. OR holding everything together so perfectly at home that nobody even realizes how much you're carrying.
Either way, doing it all in silence isn't strength. It's invisibility.
Ouch, I know that one hurt (I felt it too)
3. Ever let someone talk right over you and just... let it go?
In a meeting.
At the dinner table.
Mid-sentence with a friend.
Someone cuts in, and you swallow what you were saying and pivot.
Every time that happens without a word, you send yourself the same quiet message: what I was saying didn't matter.
It did. It does. "I'm not finished" is a complete sentence.
4. Ever find yourself over-explaining a decision nobody even questioned?
A five-minute justification for a choice you already made.
At work, it sounds like you're asking for permission.
At home, it sounds like you're bracing for a fight.
Here's the truth: over-explaining isn't clarity.
It's anxiety wearing a professional outfit.
Better go back and read that one again.
5. Ever deflect a compliment the second it lands?
"Oh, it was nothing." "The team really did all the work." "I could have done so much better."
OR you accept it for half a second and immediately pivot to everything you'd fix next time.
Owning your wins isn't arrogance. Its accuracy. And it's something people talk themselves out of every single day.
6. Ever soften an email so much that the actual message gets lost?
"Just wanted to quickly check in!"
"Hope this makes sense!" "Sorry to bother you!"
Here's what nobody's saying: discomfort isn't conflict.
Someone feeling challenged by a direct message isn't a crisis. It's just a conversation.
State the facts and hit send.
7. Ever just... wait for your hard work to be noticed?
Nobody is looking at your spreadsheet in the dark. Not your boss. Not your partner. Not your team.
Waiting to be seen is a strategy that keeps you invisible.
You've done the work. You've earned your seat. Speak up about what you bring to the table, because nobody else is going to do it for you.
Here's what's really underneath all of this.
These 7 behaviors aren't weakness. They're what happens when a smart, capable woman learns that taking up space has a cost.
THE TRUTH: At some point, using your voice felt risky. So you got strategic about it. You softened, hedged, deflected, and disappeared just enough to stay safe.
That made sense then.
But here's what nobody's telling you: the conversations you're avoiding aren't conflict, they're clarity.
For you and for everyone around you.
When you shrink, nobody gets the real you. And you spend all your energy managing everyone else's comfort instead of actually living your life.
That's exhausting. And deep down, you know it.
Your challenge this week:
Pick the ONE behavior on this list that made you wince.
Catch yourself doing it this week.
Don't judge it, just notice it.
Say to yourself: "There it is."
Then ask: "What would I say if I trusted my own voice?"
Say that thing instead.
Watch how everything shifts.
You've earned the right to take up space.
Every room you walk into. Every conversation you're in. Every table you're sitting at.
The full version of you (not the edited one) is exactly what's needed.
Start today.
XOXO
Tonya
P.S. Which one of these 7 hit closest to home?
โ