Hey friend, hi
WARNING: This one may hit a little too close for comfort, but someone has to say it...so here goes!
You were programmed to think your voice was dangerous.
Not by accident. By design.
If you're Gen X, your brain was literally wired by these messages:
- "Children should be seen and not heard."
- "You talk too much" or "You're such a chatty Kathy" (I heard this one a lot)
- "Don't argue" (even when you were looking for understanding and clarity)
- "Stop being difficult" (translation: stop being yourself)
If you're a Millennial, your brain learned:
- "Everyone gets a trophy" (your voice matters equally to everyone else's - paralysis by democracy)
- "Don't hurt anyone's feelings" (conflict avoidance at all costs)
- "Use your inside voice" (tone policing that made you afraid of being "too much")
- "That's not appropriate to discuss" (whole topics became forbidden)
- "Don't be mean" (any disagreement was labeled as meanness)
If you're Gen Z, you absorbed:
- "Think before you post" (hyper-awareness of permanent consequences)
- "That could trigger someone" (walking on eggshells in every conversation)
- "Use your words" (but also endless rules about which words are acceptable)
- "Everyone's truth is valid" (making it nearly impossible to express disagreement)
"Be mindful of others' mental health" (self-censoring to protect everyone else)
Here's what nobody told you: Every time you swallowed your words, your nervous system learned that speaking up = danger.
But what if they got it completely wrong?
The Blanket Statement Trap
Let me ask you something that might sting a little:
Do you ever post on social media or send group texts, secretly hoping ONE specific person will "get the message"?
You know exactly what I'm talking about:
- The passive-aggressive Facebook/IG post about "people who don't follow through"
- The group email about "better communication"
- The family text about "respecting boundaries" when you really need to talk to your sister
- The team message about "being responsive" when it's really about Jennifer
Here's the hard truth: They never get it. EVER.
The blanket statement isn't communication - it's avoidance pretending to be action.
(Yes, you needed to hear that! And, so did I)
The 5-Second Power Window
Here's what's happening in your brain: You have 5 seconds between thinking "I should say something" and your brain talking you out of it. (Whoa, right?)
In those 5 seconds, your power lives.
Your amygdala screams "DANGER!" because 40+ years ago, speaking up meant trouble.
But that little kid who learned to stay quiet? They're not running your life anymore; it's time to honor the little voice and speak up.
Direct doesn't mean dramatic. It means effective. It means clarity and connection.
The Conversations That Actually Work
Instead of: Group email saying, "We need better communication" or "we need to do better".
Try: "Sarah, I'd love 10 minutes to figure out how we can communicate more effectively."
Instead of: Social media post about "people who don't keep their word"
โTry: "Hey Mike, let's talk about what happened with the deadline."
Instead of: Family group text about "respecting boundaries"
Try: Direct text to your sister: "I need to talk about something that's been on my mind."
See the difference? One creates clarity and connection. The other creates confusion and resentment. Ouch!
The Questions That Change Everything
What if you became the person who asks:
- "Help me understand what you mean by that?"
- "I'm seeing this differently - may I share my perspective?"
- "What would success look like from your point of view?"
These aren't confrontational. They're connection catalysts.
Your Right-Now Options (Pick One)
Option 1: The Direct Conversation
Think of ONE person you've been broadcasting about instead of talking to directly. Text them right now: "I'd like to talk about [specific thing]. When works for you?"
Option 2: The 5-Second Rule (thank you, Mel Robbins)
Next time you want to speak up but start to shrink, count down 5-4-3-2-1 and start with "I'm curious..." or "I'm thinking..."
Option 3: The Curiosity Bridgeโ
In your next conversation where you disagree or feel confused, ask "Help me understand your perspective" instead of staying quiet or making assumptions. (talking to myself on this one...)
Pick one. Do it today. Notice what happens.
What Changes When You Stop Broadcasting and Start Communicating
- The right person actually hears your concern
- You understand their perspective (instead of assuming the worst)
- Problems get solved instead of just vented about
- Relationships deepen instead of deteriorate
- You feel empowered instead of frustrated
Most importantly, you create moments of understanding that actually make a difference.
The Truth About Your Voice
Your voice isn't just sound waves. It's your power. Your truth. Your contribution to every life you touch.
The world doesn't need another person staying quiet.
The world needs YOU - speaking up, asking questions, sharing your truth.
Direct conversations don't create conflict. They create clarity. They create connection. They create the relationships you've been craving all along.
You were born to take up space. Stop apologizing for existing and start celebrating the gift of your voice.
Why I Named My Company "Outspoken"
Here's something personal: I didn't choose the name "Outspoken" to be controversial or rude.
I chose it because your voice is the bridge between your head and your heart.
Your voice is where your thoughts meet your truth.
Where your wisdom becomes your power.
Where your inner knowing transforms into outer impact.
Outspoken doesn't mean loud. It means honest.
It doesn't mean rude. It means real.
It doesn't mean aggressive. It means authentic.
Your voice matters. Not because you're perfect, but because you're human.
Not because you have all the answers, but because you have YOUR answers.
The world needs what's inside you - spoken out loud.
Stop apologizing for being who you are and start celebrating the gift of your voice.
XOXO
Tonya
P.S. I want to hear about your first direct conversation breakthrough. When you choose Option 1, 2, or 3 and actually do it, hit reply and tell me what happened. Your courage might be exactly what another reader needs to take their own first step.
3 Ways to Reclaim Your Voice
โ Stop Broadcasting, Start Communicating Because the conversations that matter most deserve your direct attention. Ready to ditch the passive-aggressive posts? Email me: hello@tonyakay.coโhello@tonyakay.coโ
โ Master Direct Conversations Learn how clarity creates connection, not conflict. Book a Breakthrough Call.โ
โ Lead with Authentic Courage Discover how honest communication can transform your influence and relationships. Book a "Direct Communication" session.
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