Your Comfort Zone Needs Updating

WHEN SURVIVAL MODE BECOMES YOUR COMFORT ZONE

And Why It's Time to Come Home to Yourself

Hey you, hi

Ever have an AHA moment that you can't shake?

I was eating lunch with a friend yesterday, someone I deeply admire for her grit, tenacity, and resilience, and honestly, she's just 'good people'.

We spent time catching up and talked about all our favorite things: hiking, pickleball, paddleboarding, and how excited we are that paddleboard season is finally here.

We chatted about our families, empty nesting, and how everything shifts after those intense years of "kid mode."

We were discussing how those patterns we develop as young parents – you know, the ones where you're just trying to make "all the things" work – they tend to stick around a lot longer than you think.

And it hit me: What if survival mode became your comfort zone?

The Making of a Survival Queen

For me, it started long before I became a single mom. Maybe it was patterns modeled in my own childhood, or watching other parents around me just trying to make everything work. But by the time I hit single mom mode, survival was already my default setting.

I thought I could love enough for two people, be strong enough to outlast the chaos, and somehow hold everything together through sheer force of will.

Sound familiar?

Those survival skills I developed?

They became my identity:

• The get-shit-done person
• The one who shows up no matter what
• The strong one who never needs help
• The over-loving, over-compensating, over-helping woman

Even when I remarried and we blended our families, even in a healthy, supportive relationship, I carried those patterns with me.

Because survival mode wasn't just what I did anymore.

It was who I was.

When Crisis Calls Your Old Name

Just over three years ago, we faced a major family health crisis.

And guess what happened? I found that old friend...survival mode

I slipped right back into that familiar space. "Oh, hi there," I thought. "I haven't seen you around for a while, but I'm ready to take on the world again."

After all, it was who I was, right?

But here's what I didn't expect: I wasn't needed in the same way anymore.

The woman who had made survival mode her comfort zone was over-loving, over-compensating, and over-helping in areas that didn't need that kind of intensity. I was so used to doing everything alone that I completely discounted my husband's capabilities. I didn't even know how to accept help or partnership.

We were going to get through this together. What a concept.

The Mirror Moment

When I finally had to face survival mode in the mirror, I realized something profound:

I was exhausted.

I had trained everyone around me that I would show up no matter what and put my own needs aside. But that wasn't who I was at my core. That was the unhealthy version of me – the one designed to walk through fire that no longer existed.

The real me? She was buried under years of over-functioning and people-pleasing.

What's on the Other Side

Letting go of survival mode as my comfort zone meant:

• Quiet coffee mornings instead of frantic rushing
• Walks in fresh air instead of constant doing
• Allowing myself to be loved instead of always being the giver
• Expecting to be treated with love and grace
• No more gas lighting or passive-aggressiveness (from others or myself)

My circle changed. I still grieve some relationships that couldn't handle the new me – the ones who needed that woman who showed up in survival mode, who was always available, always giving, always "on."

But here's the truth: By honoring the me at my core, I'm not exhausted anymore. I'm not numb. I get to live fully.

Your Permission Slip

If this resonates with you, consider this your official permission to:

• Examine which survival patterns are still running your life
• Ask yourself: "Was this designed for a season that's over?"
• Grieve the relationships that can't grow with you
• Stop abandoning yourself to keep everyone else comfortable
• Come home to who you really are

The Question That Changes Everything

Here's what I want you to sit with this week:

What if the strongest thing you could do is stop being strong in the old ways?

What if real strength looks like:

• Accepting help
• Setting boundaries
• Choosing rest over rescue
• Letting others show up for you
• Honoring your needs without guilt

Your Challenge This Week

Take an honest look at one area where you might still be operating in survival mode when partnership, rest, or simply "good enough" would serve you better.

Ask yourself:

• Where am I over-functioning?
• What am I trying to control that isn't mine to control?
• How can I honor the real me underneath all these protective patterns?

You get to come home to yourself. You get to live fully.

Here's to the best version of you, the one who knows when to be strong and when to be soft,

​

"We spend a lot of time teaching people what to do. We don't spend enough time teaching them what to stop. Half the people I have met don't need to learn what to do. They need to learn what to stop." Marshall Goldsmith

XOXO

Tonya

P.S. What old pattern are you ready to release? Hit reply and let me know – sometimes just naming it is the first step to freedom.

3 Ways to Step Out of Survival Mode

→ Ready to stop over-functioning? Let's identify the patterns keeping you stuck and create a plan for coming home to yourself. Email me: hello@tonyakay.co​

→ Tired of being everyone's go-to person? It's time to redraw your boundaries and reclaim your energy. Book a Breakthrough Call.​

→ Want to lead from your authentic core? Discover how releasing old survival patterns can transform your relationships and your life. Book a "From Survival to Thriving" strategy session.

Bye for now!