You Can't Avoid It. But You Can Handle It Differently

When Did Disagreeing Become a Reason to Destroy Our Relationships?

Hey there,

Want to know what's happening right now that nobody's talking about?

We've completely forgotten how to disagree with people we love.

Families not speaking.

Friendships ending.

People blocking their own parents/adult children/siblings.

The reason? They don't think the same way.

Here's the thing nobody's saying out loud: We're calling avoidance "boundaries" and calling discomfort "danger."

And it's destroying our relationships.

The Thing We Do

(Without Even Realizing It)

Think about the last time someone you cared about said something you strongly disagreed with.

Did you think:

"They just need to understand that..."

"Why can't they see this is wrong?"

"They're not even trying."

"If they really cared, they would..."

"They're not making an effort."

(Translation: Their effort doesn't meet MY standards, so it doesn't count.)

Or maybe you went straight to:

"I can't have people in my life who..."

"I'm just protecting my peace."

Here's what's really happening: You're not protecting yourself. You're avoiding being uncomfortable.

And listen, disagreement IS uncomfortable. But here's the truth: Cutting people off doesn't make you right. It just makes you alone.

What's Actually Going On

(The Part That Stings)

Let's get real.

When you say "They're not making an effort": Their effort doesn't meet YOUR standards, so it doesn't count.

When you say "I've tried everything," You've told them why they're wrong, and they still won't change their mind.

When you say "They should understand, "You mean they should AGREE with you.

When you say "I'm setting boundaries," You're punishing them for disagreeing.

Here's the exhausting cycle:

They should understand → They don't → I've explained it → They still don't get it → They're not trying → I can't do this anymore → I'm done

Here's What's Really Happening

You're avoiding hard conversations. OR you're forcing people to see things your way. (OUCH)

When you avoid: You stay silent, walk on eggshells, disappear. You ghost, block, move on. You tell yourself it's "self-care," but really? You're just scared of conflict.

When you force: You perform your values perfectly. Cut people off publicly. Exhaust yourself policing everyone's opinions. You need everyone to think like you do to feel safe.

Both ways? You're running yourself into the ground.

And here's what drives both: The same fear.

Deep down, you're terrified that if someone disagrees with you, it means you're not safe, not respected, not loved, not good enough, not liked.

So you think: "If I just avoid this" OR "If I just make them see they're wrong," THEN you'll be safe.

But you're exhausted. And that strategy? It's not working.

Here's what nobody's telling you: You can disagree with someone and still love them.

The real power move? Learning to have hard conversations instead of destroying relationships to avoid them.

How to Actually Do This

Step 1: Notice when you're making it all-or-nothing.

Catch yourself thinking: "They should understand" or "If they really loved me..."

Just notice it. "Oh, there I go again."

Step 2: Get curious instead of righteous.

Ask yourself:

• "Am I expecting them to do all the work while I do none?"
• "Am I defining 'effort' as 'agreeing with me'?"
• "Am I turning discomfort into danger?"

Step 3: Try something different.

If you avoid: Have the conversation. Say the thing.

If you force: Stop trying to change their mind. Start trying to understand their heart.

Real-Life Examples

You think: "They voted for [X]—how can I even look at them the same way?"

You catch it: "Wait—am I making their vote mean they don't love me?"

The truth: You're afraid disagreement equals disrespect. It doesn't.

The shift: "We disagree on this. And I can still love them. Both can be true."

---

You think: "I've explained this three times; they're just not listening."

You catch it: "Am I expecting them to agree, or am I okay with them just understanding my perspective?"

The truth: You're afraid if they don't change their mind, you've failed.

The shift: "I can share my perspective without needing them to adopt it."

---

You think: "They're not even trying to understand where I'm coming from."

You catch it: "Am I trying to understand where THEY'RE coming from?"

The truth: You're making them do all the emotional labor.

The shift: "What if I got curious about their perspective instead of defending mine?"

---

Your Challenge This Week

Right now, think of one relationship that's strained because of disagreement.

Got it? Good.

Finish this sentence: "I'm avoiding this conversation because I'm afraid that..."

Write it down. Look at it. Feel it.

That fear? That's what's running the show. Not them. Your fear.

Now ask: "What would it look like to have this conversation, not to change their mind, but to stay in a relationship while disagreeing?"

Every time you want to cut them off this week, catch it and say: "I can disagree and still love them.

Both things can be true."

The Bottom Line

You're not a bad person for wanting to avoid hard conversations. You're just human.

And those relationships you're cutting off to "protect your peace"? They're not the enemy. Your fear is.

It's time to stop choosing comfort over connection.

You can have strong values AND strong relationships. You can disagree AND still respect each other.

The people around you don't need you to be perfect. They need you to be real.

Start today. Right now. Have the conversation you've been avoiding.

That's where the real power is.

XOXO,

Tonya

P.S. What relationship have you been avoiding because of disagreement? What are you really afraid will happen?

→ Struggling to navigate disagreement in your relationships? Book a Breakthrough Call.